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Stillborn

May 25, 2010 By Barbara Densmore Leave a Comment

The e-mail came from a colleague in Ontario:  to create and officiate an intimate immediate family ceremony for a stillborn baby.  She wanted help and ideas.  We all raced to our resource libraries and got to work.

Miscarriage, a stillbirth, or complications at birth are equally heart-wrenching.  Before a child is born the parents carry everything inside side of themselves, their anticipation, hopes, dreams…all pictures projected into the future. For both parents (and particularly the mother) a being is present and the seeds of a relationship are sprouting.

When birth and death join hands, most people feel lost, unsure of what to do.  For bereaved parents, honouring the loss is so vital, yet they are often both physically and emotionally drained.

The documentary “Capturing a Short Life” (watch for it on CBC) steps bravely and tenderly into that place we don’t want to go.   It offers:

Few people are aware that in North America every year, tens of thousands of families are having to say goodbye to children they’ve only just met and millions more lose babies to miscarriage or stillbirth.

When a baby dies, it is not only an infant that is lost, but a toddler, a child, a teenager and an adult. An entire life, an entire future, disappears. There will be no first birthdays, no first steps, no first report cards, no first loves.. instead there is an intense, impossible, few moments to say hello and goodbye.

The film features “remembrance photography“, a loving and generous concept from the Now I Lay me Down to Sleep Foundation. Over 7,000 volunteer photographers in 26 countries offer their services to “allow families to honor and cherish their babies, and share the spirits of their lives.” Not every hospital is acquainted with this program, and often initial contact is made by families.

Families play a key role here, especially as the hospital chaplain role withers under budget restraints.  Would-be grandparents, godparents, aunts and uncles are often those who both want and need some form of observance for the healing of those they love.

In this situation, the baby’s grandmother intuitively stepped in, with the intent of surrounding her family with love, giving voice to their sorrow, and marking the tragic close of a life in the making  The final ceremony was a beautiful mix of music, family stories and blessings, and poetry.

(Bless my womb, which has the power to create life and death).

Bless my arms

that would have embraced her.

Bless my hands that would have lifted her.

Bless my heart that grieves.  ~ Starhawk

Filed Under: Memorials Tagged With: baby funeral, baby memorial, ceremony, miscarriage, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation, ritual, stillbirth, stillborn

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Barbara Densmore Celebrant
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Ashley McCrae
Ashley McCrae
2023-09-01
Barbara was hands-down a phenomenal officiant of our wedding!! Don’t be intimidated by the “homework” she gives you because she will turn your answers into the most beautiful, personal, and oh-so-special ceremony. We absolutely loved what she put together for us and we received so many compliments from guests (and our parents!) afterward that it was the BEST wedding ceremony they’ve EVER been to! She is one of the first things we mention when people ask about our wedding and we cannot thank her enough for helping to create such a memorable day!! Barbara deserves all the stars and then some, we could not recommend her enough!
Cody Walsh
Cody Walsh
2023-08-13
This lovely woman was exactly the low-stress and emotionally fluent genius needed to coordinate, manage, and finally officiate our incredibly special day. I truly cannot recommend higher ! Thank you so much Barbara for all you did to get to know us, our story, and our families. We love you!
Julie Levasseur
Julie Levasseur
2023-08-12
Barbara is so much more than an officiant. Her seasoned, thorough and thoughtful approach helped us create a ceremony experience that was equal parts personal and FUN! From our initial consult, to day-of, as well as following-up after our wedding, we can’t thank Barbara enough for her care and attention. She’s simply the best!
Sachin Khona (Creative)
Sachin Khona (Creative)
2023-08-04
I had the pleasure of working with Barbara at a wedding yesterday and she was an absolute delight to work with. We literally met 5 minutes before the ceremony and she ran the elopement so smoothly and beautifully, taking into consideration the stories of the couple and even included in some First Nations Rituals and Jewish traditions for Susan and Inka. As a photographer, hiring an officiant is such an important decision to make as they really create and bring the energy to a ceremony. You won't go wrong picking Barbara! 10/10 I look forward to documenting another wedding with you soon Barbara! Big hugs, Sachin
Anthony Price
Anthony Price
2023-08-03
JUST AMAZING! It's really hard to describe just how amazing Barbara is at what she does. She walked my now wife and I through ever step of the process. The creation of our ceremony, the vows and everything came together perfectly. Barbara is a master at making any special event so personal and unique to who you are. Thank-you so much Barbra!! Love Ant & Meg
Michelle R
Michelle R
2023-07-17
Barbara officiated our wedding at the Vow Cabin. The ceremony was everything I always dreamed of. Funny and heartwarming. Barbara is truly brilliant and so so good at what she does. The ceremony was so personal and unique to us. I felt so relaxed during the ceremony and I really appreciate that she reminded us to be present and really take in the moment. I really appreciate the care that Barbara put into writing our ceremony. Truly the best.
Athena Mills
Athena Mills
2023-07-13
Our wedding ceremony with Barbara was excellent. It was intimate and personal, but also light hearted and funny in a way that celebrated our love without taking away from the gravity of the commitment we were making to each-other. Barbara also included our friends and family in all the right moments to create some wonderful lasting memories. It was a really special day and Barbara played a huge role in it, I cannot recommend her enough!
stephen wynnyk
stephen wynnyk
2023-06-27
Barbara was a spectacular celebrant for our wedding. She works with you to create a wonderful, authentic ceremony. Barb had tons of unique quirks she suggested, which made our ceremony unique. She also had a sterling reputation with our vendors, so our ceremony was perfectly coordinated with our photographer (Tulle & Tweed Photography) and videographers (Paper Heart Films). Barb's words brought us and our guests to tears! You can feel her presence with every word. I cannot recommend her enough.
Cameron Freshwater
Cameron Freshwater
2023-06-10
Barbara is an amazingly thoughtful, patient and professional officiant. She made what could have been an extremely stressful situation an absolute breeze. She helped us design a ceremony that matched our personalities perfectly and truly made our day special.
amanda P
amanda P
2023-01-31
Barbara was a delight to work with. From the very beginning she was personable, easy to talk to and supportive. She turned our ideas into a magical wedding ceremony for us that exceeded our expectations. It was a whimsical night for us.
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