In the USA, it’s estimated that 1 in 8 weddings are destination weddings.  While exotic locales have their cachet, in some cases your guest list may be shorter than you wish.  Aunt Effie may be unnerved at the idea of staying at a fancy-schmantzy resort. Brother Earl may not be able to take get a week’s vacation to make the trip worthwhile.  Or your best friend may be paying off that last trip she took already.

If that’s the case, consider this recent article Wall Street Journal article describing one of the latest trends in weddings…at a summer camp.  Wedding couples traded expensive trappings for a group holiday filled with bunk beds, campfire stories, and a giant ’smore instead of a wedding cake.  Paddling away in a canoe, anyone?

No mention of ceremonies created to match the event.  But I can see it now…a unity ritual with roasted marshmallows or a sing-along.  Starting the ceremony with a whistle.  People arriving late or not turning off their cell phones do KP duty…ok, ok, I’m having a little fun here, I’ll stop now.

But the point is, you CAN have anything you want in a wedding.  Just takes a little bit of creative thinking and a sense of adventure. And maybe some bug spray.

The recently opened (and fabulous) movie “Get Low”, is based loosely on the story of Felix Bushaloo Breazeale who in the latter 1930’s decided to hold his funeral in advance so he could “hear his own eulogy.”  An estimated 8-12,000 people attended.

Click here to view the embedded video.

The witty film follows the original tale, with a little embellishment for entertainment’s sake.

The Reverend leading the real service commented: “This service is not a bad idea. Much good should come from a service divested of the usual tears and heartaches. It gives us an opportunity to take thought of tomorrow and anticipate the great adventure called death.”

Amen, Reverend.

When Arthur Motyer’s younger sister Jocelyn was in the latter stages of kidney disease, she decided to hold a “living wake”…an afternoon soiree for 60 friends and family members, with the intent of ensuring that her friends knew how much she cared for them, and also to know that she was indeed loved.  As he watched her visiting with the many guests, Motyer realized that his discomfort was his own and that his sister was setting an impressive and courageous example: “I said if she can do it, then I have to.  I wondered if it was in good taste and then I realized that it was actually a wonderful way to go.”  (comments made on CBC’s DNTO)

Lingering diseases such as cancer (now the #1 source of death in Canada) offer a clear and finite ending and the time to prepare for it, to grieve in advance, which can be a very healing process. So an advance wake, funeral, or celebration of life can allow everyone to attend the final farewell.  You, as the guest of honour, get what you want.  It’s clear.  No guessing.  That’s empowering in itself, no matter your role.

For Felix Bush, it was the curiosity of knowing how he was seen by others.

For Jocelyn, it was basking in the love of those she adored, and reflecting it back.

For Pete Peterson, who in mid-June, was told he had 6-8 weeks left, the advance funeral he held on July 31 was to make good-byes easier.  “I know they won’t come to see me when it gets close to the end. I wouldn’t go to see them either. People don’t want to see their friends like that, at those last days. They don’t want to remember them like that. I’m still in pretty good shape, so that’s how I want it to go.”

Jim and Jeanie have spent much of their lives in search of sanctuary. After years in a high-maintenance haven, they found a remarkable gem – the perfect home for their next phase in life. They wanted to celebrate their good fortune.

A house blessing would be the normal ceremony, but it became quickly apparent that there was much more than the house to be appreciated. And there was more than a blessing to be done.

The couple had some specific wants for themselves. To share their story. To stand in wonder at this crossroads, and to appreciate the journey in life that had brought them here. To set some intentions for themselves and for the new house.

And of course, they wanted to celebrate. But they wanted to celebrate with their guests, not in front of them. They wanted their friends and family to be partners in the ceremony.

And so it became, to paraphrase the once famous Buzz Lightyear:  The “To Infinity and Beyond” House Blessing (you can do that when you work with a celebrant…:)

One one hand, the ceremony was full of meaning and symbolism. Summer Solstice, the day of  the ceremony is a day of concentrated energy, a day when people would historically clean out the dross of winter and prepare for the growth and ripening that summer offers. On the other hand, it was pure Jeanie and Jim: relaxed, genuine and heartfelt. And their honoured friends.

And despite the solstice rituals, the powers from above seemed to approve of the evening as well, including the smoke detector and sprinkler system.

Welcome to your new sanctuary, J&J. Make it SO…!

Although it’s not common knowledge, a wedding ceremony takes you on journey.  As with any trip, first you depart, leaving your previous life behind.  At the end you arrive,  in this case at the beginning of married life.  And in between is the phase…well…in between.  You are neither here nor there, but preparing to cross the threshold from singlehood into coupledom.  You might call it being “in transit.”

Rituals throughout a wedding ceremony serve to ensure that you are fully present…the intent is to engage your head, heart and hands all at the same time.  They deepen the words that are said.

□     Some traditional rituals remain although we may have lost the symbolism i.e. the processional, the showering with flower petals, confetti or rice or birdseed (ouch).

□     Some are steeped in religious or ethnic tradition i.e. Jewish chuppahs, Chinese tea ceremonies.

□     Others have grown to befit today’s modern world i.e. lighting unity candles, blending sand etc.

If you come from a mix of backgrounds, or aren’t particularly religious, it may seem easier to just leave them out, as you can see in this sample script from the BC government website.

Rituals add richness, colour and texture to a ceremony.  But what happens when the unity candle doesn’t ignite your heart, when traditional rituals don’t seem fitting?  Well, there are a number of lesser known rituals that may resonate.  What if none of them seem to fit?  With some thought, they can be…excuse the pun, but read on…cooked up.

A smart and lively couple will be married later this year…non-religious, different backgrounds, current, and oodles of personality.  As we worked through their shared passions, what came up for me was their love of cooking and eating.  So I’ve just put the finishing touches on a food ritual designed specifically for them.

I started with cookbooks, of course, and my best resource was one written by an old friend, Sam Okamoto.

Food and love dance in metaphoric harmony.  Both have a palette of flavours.  And symbolic around food is the need, in a strong marriage, to feed and nurture self, the relationship and each other on a daily basis.

Into the ritual, I wove their personalities (similarities and differences) as well as their hopes for the future.  A touch of approval from their guests.

Then I celebrated…how else…with something sweet.  The cookies in the photo?  Long gone now, straight to my hips..:)

The e-mail came from a colleague in Ontario:  to create and officiate an intimate immediate family ceremony for a stillborn baby.  She wanted help and ideas.  We all raced to our resource libraries and got to work.

Miscarriage, a stillbirth, or complications at birth are equally heart-wrenching.  Before a child is born the parents carry everything inside side of themselves, their anticipation, hopes, dreams…all pictures projected into the future. For both parents (and particularly the mother) a being is present and the seeds of a relationship are sprouting.

When birth and death join hands, most people feel lost, unsure of what to do.  For bereaved parents, honouring the loss is so vital, yet they are often both physically and emotionally drained.

The documentary “Capturing a Short Life” (watch for it on CBC) steps bravely and tenderly into that place we don’t want to go.   It offers:

Few people are aware that in North America every year, tens of thousands of families are having to say goodbye to children they’ve only just met and millions more lose babies to miscarriage or stillbirth.

When a baby dies, it is not only an infant that is lost, but a toddler, a child, a teenager and an adult. An entire life, an entire future, disappears. There will be no first birthdays, no first steps, no first report cards, no first loves.. instead there is an intense, impossible, few moments to say hello and goodbye.

The film features “remembrance photography“, a loving and generous concept from the Now I Lay me Down to Sleep Foundation. Over 7,000 volunteer photographers in 26 countries offer their services to “allow families to honor and cherish their babies, and share the spirits of their lives.” Not every hospital is acquainted with this program, and often initial contact is made by families.

Families play a key role here, especially as the hospital chaplain role withers under budget restraints.  Would-be grandparents, godparents, aunts and uncles are often those who both want and need some form of observance for the healing of those they love.

In this situation, the baby’s grandmother intuitively stepped in, with the intent of surrounding her family with love, giving voice to their sorrow, and marking the tragic close of a life in the making  The final ceremony was a beautiful mix of music, family stories and blessings, and poetry.

(Bless my womb, which has the power to create life and death).

Bless my arms

that would have embraced her.

Bless my hands that would have lifted her.

Bless my heart that grieves.  ~ Starhawk

Many topics were covered at a symposium on dying last weekend at the Mountain View Cemetery, but the magnet for most attendees was home funerals.

We’re at the cusp of a resurgence in home death care. Home funerals are estimated to be, today, where home births were 30 years ago. It’s believed that the Baby Boomers will lead the trend toward dying at home in the future. In a Globe and Mail article, a reader quipped: “I have a feeling Boomers will reject the retirement home business as well. Place your bets accordingly.”

One might think the motivator to be financial (North American funeral costs are estimated to be double that of Europe and England), or the assume  adherents to be from the “green” movement, but that is rarely the case. The documentary film “A Family Undertaking” (shown at the event) contained a mix of families who offered their own beliefs:

• “no one can treat them as tenderly as someone who loved them”
• “a funeral home does not lend itself to intimacy”
• “natural vs. industrial approach”
• “everyone can take as long as they want to say goodbye”
• “there’s an amazing silence and beauty that begins to enter the room”
• “families walk through the doorway of fear”
• you can see eventually that the person you love is no longer there – it’s easier to let go”.

Some families choose to decorate hand-made caskets with messages and art. Others opt for handmade shrouds. When you are ready, the body can be buried, often in a natural setting (more on that in a future post) or transported to a crematorium.

Or can you?

The most natural way to die seems to be mired in red tape by the BC government, which has, apparently, the most regulations in the country.   Simple procedures like transporting bodies are not user-friendly. And while the USA has six groups that train midwives to guide families through the physical, emotional, and logistical process, in BC, death midwives are legally restricted from accepting fees for services. Licensed funeral directors, however, are allowed.

Perhaps that’s why the story feature in the Globe and Mail article was from safe and legal Washington state.

That’s not to say that it isn’t being done. One participant at the event brought laughter from the audience as s/he described a recent home funeral that included a final cruise around the beloved neighbourhood, casket in the back of a pick-up truck.

But don’t tell the government about that…:)

“We’re divorcing.  We’d ultimately like to have a divorce ceremony.  But we’re not there yet.  We’re separating this week and we’re stuck in the first step: telling our friends and family.”

The request from a very wise couple who wanted to handle the process with respect, dignity, caring, and intention.  They had had long and deep conversations about the paths they were travelling in life, and how remaining together would take tremendous compromise.  They each wanted 100% of everything for their partner.  They decided to end a 37 year marriage, and travel their separate paths, while still remaining friends.

Separating is painful, no matter how collaborative the decision.  They wanted to channel their energyto managing it well.  But we all know that divorce triggers much emotion.   Delivering the message to others can be draining.  People often have both bewildering feelings and a myriad of questions as they receive the news.  Naturally, those feelings often turn inward and ruffle the feathers of their own relationships…are they truly happy? Safe? Grateful?  Sometimes those get in the way of hearing….and healing.

So I interviewed each one of them separately, the same way I would do for a ceremony.  Took their heartfelt words, blended them together, and created an announcement for them that would answer the questions everyone asks.  It gave their family and friends a clear idea of where they were  and what would happen next.  And it gave those who know and love them real clarity about what would and wouldn’t change, and what they could do to help.  “It would have taken us hours and hours to write…we were just too close to it, couldn’t see our way out.”

The response to the announcement was heartwarming, to say the least.  It included these comments:

“You two amaze me, I sit here crying, reading this, thinking that you are the most mature, smart grown up people that I have ever heard of. “

“Change is a never ending series of stairs – when we look forward – that series of steep steps leading up to the horizon is daunting – it’s when we look back to see how many stairs we have managed to climb, have overcome, have embraced. It may take awhile for us to make it to the next step in the “stairs of change” – but eventually we will.  Our hearts are sad – but I know we feel not what you are feeling - it is our grief, our sense of sadness, our sense of loss – but we will put those feelings aside, and we will support and we will respect. In many ways, you have made it easier for us.”

“What a beautiful way to tell your friends. You have been so forthcoming in your letter and so generous in your praise.”

“At any age it takes courage to move  in a new direction. It is far easier to stay in a relationship in the name of financial expediency, the kids or “what will people think”, than to face the reality of the situation head on. As you said in your e mail, it takes courage to grow up to become who we really are.”

“I am proud of the two of you for being so honest and straight forward. Your strength and decisiveness is remarkable.”

“Marriage is a journey in life with lots of bumps and rejoicing along the way….for many, like you, we reach a fork in the road and need to make a choice in direction. Many make that choice in anger and resentment but it appears that you have made your choice with much respect and love for each other…and that’s where I’d like to meet you in friendship.”

“Wow – what a tremendous message despite the uncertainty and strong emotions the unknown brings!”

A truly courageous couple who EACH deserve 100% of everything.  With some pretty stellar people around them as they begin their solo journeys.

I’ve heard from colleagues about weddings that have been a surprise for guests i.e.  people think they are coming to attend a birthday party or some other key event, only to discover that the couple have chosen to marry.

This, of course, is a highly creative way to circumnavigate the traditional wedding trappings that don’t work for you.  Gifts you don’t need.  Helpful suggestions you don’t want.  Dancing guys (or women) jumping out of cakes (or whatever.)   It kind of allows you to get exactly what you want.  Hmmmm….

But here’s a surprise in reverse:  a couple who are on the receiving end of the surprise.  A random act of kindness that will warm the cockles of your heart.

Happy New Year!  I’ve used this central post space to give you ideas of what a meaningful ceremony can be/do.   As 2010 begins, I’m knee deep in the midst of writing a number of ceremonies.

I’ll have more stories once the ceremonies are delivered.  In the meantime, I’d like to introduce you to some local folks who are at the leading edge of  observing  major life transitions.

Beginnings

This Saturday (Jan 23rd)  is the second “Indie I Do” event in Vancouver.  It’s a one-day showcase of services for people who are looking for original wedding ideas..the first one of its kind in Canada.

Catering to a diverse crowd, Indie I Do promises something for everyone – be it an off beat theme wedding, same sex do, or simply a traditional couple looking to add a touch of their own unique personalities into their event.

If you can’t make it to the event, don’t despair!  Links on the site lead to all  exhibitors.

Ends

You may have heard Paula Jardine, the Artist in Residence at Vancouver’s Mountain View Cemetery on CBC or seen some of her exceptional efforts so far.  Her newest project joins with Vancouver based artists Jan Wade and Nhan Nguyen.  Titled “Altered”, altar pieces and shrines created by the artists will be installed at the grunt gallery.  Corresponding video screenings at the Mountain View Cemetery’s new celebration hall on February 20 will explore cultural histories around Memorial and how we remember.  Info on both here.

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The resurgence of green burials started in the United Kingdom, which opened their first green cemetery in 1993.  Over 200 exist today.

My first initiation to green burial was in the HBO TV series “Six Feet Under”. (looks like the series starts over again on Jan 26).   Grave Matters (fascinating read, BTW) author Mark Harris says:

I’ve long believed that Ball’s fetching view of green burial, which aired on August 21, 2005, did more to sell the idea to the greater public than any newspaper story, newscast or magazine piece at the time.

At the very same time, the Green Burial Council (GBC) was launched – a group from outside the funeral industry formed to educate the public and the funeral industry about sustainable alternatives to traditional burial. It’s making great headway.

Canadian Outreach Director Don Morris has moved to Gibsons, BC and is now heading up GBC’s Canadian efforts.  I’ll keep you updated on his upcoming whereabouts.

Don recently hosted a talk by Stephen Jenkinson, Harvard educated theologian, leading Canadian palliative care educator, spiritual activist and author, featured in the awe-inspiring NFB film “Griefwalker.” Stephen will be offering a 6 day program at Hollyhock later this year:  Homecoming: A Master Class in Living and Dying.

Transitions

A powerful divorce ceremony delivered by my gifted colleague Michele Davidson was featured on CBC’s Tapestry this fall.  You can listen to the clip here. Forward until you get to the ¾ point of the podcast.

The future is here. It’s just not widely distributed yet.

~~ William Gibson (Vancouver Sci-Fi novelist)

Best friends come in all shapes and sizes.  Sometimes they have big ears, whiskers.  And a four-legged loss can be just as devastating as a two-legged companion.

Such was the case with Biff, a dog who was memorable in many ways.  When he passed, after a long and colourful life, he was cremated.  And kept.  It was difficult to let go of him, partly because his owner didn’t know how.  A spiritual person, she wanted some kind of memorial service for him, one that honoured him. When she discovered she could have exactly what she wanted, she was ready to scatter his ashes.

Here’s part of the ceremony, as spoken by Biff’s owner:

Love of life.   Love of every part of the day.  The morning snuggle.  Home-made food.  Getting out in nature and thanking God for another day.  Riding in the convertible in the summer.  Burnt orange sunsets in the autumn.  A good towel-off when it’s wet outside.  Meeting and greeting new and old friends. The rustle of the cheese wrapper.  Dessert after main course.  A brush and massage before bed.   And lots of hugs in between.

All simple things.  But not in the least simple.  I believe fully and sincerely that the best things in life aren’t things.  They are people and moments.   I include you in the “people” category because I know you were (and are) are a very old soul…one of the oldest wisest souls I have ever met.  I thank God for matching us up, and giving me the chance to become a much better person.  I will always be grateful for our time together.

I continued a little section, called “Lessons Learned from Biff”:

• You’ve shown that the people we love don’t need fixing…they are just fine the way they are.

• And if someone tries to fix us, it’s ok to love them anyway.  But if they push too hard in the areas that are the most critical, it’s o.k. to give them a little nip…just as long as you let them know that they are still loved.

• You’ve shown that what we do with those we love is not as important as the just being together.

• That when you welcome people well, they want to come over more often.

• And that when people don’t have to worry about being judged, they are safer and happier.

• That when we look back, the simple moments are the ones we treasure the most.

• You’ve demonstrated that real friends are always faithful and consistent; they love you the same way to your face and your back.

• That if you get bitten once, it shouldn’t dominate the rest of your life.

• And that pedigrees and job titles are just bits of paper people need to feel more important, but what they are inside is even more important.

• That mutts and unanticipated guests may add some unpredictability to life, and that’s a very good thing.

• And finally, that there is no greater gift than being genuinely appreciated by someone else.